A Masterclass in Love & Loyalty

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manifesting in red on my bed.

This blog was born on February 3rd 2015 in Bahia, Brazil. We’re going into our fifth year here on WordPress. So much has changed and yet I’m still very much the same person. Just thicker and more accomplished. I’m a bit more worn and I have the literal scars to show for it.

Today at the nine to five that I’ve been working since September I rummaged through my website and old blogs. I felt admiration and embarrassment, simultaneously. I was so full of awe and sentiment for the life I was living just two years ago. I feel very far from that person. I feel a lot less dreamy and more practical. But I don’t feel like my dreams have died in the way that people associate with “adulthood”. I feel like I can see the path towards what I truly want falling into place. The steps fall slowly, but they are solid and unwavering. In the past, there were no steps. Only a wide open ocean that I was floating in. It was a great feeling. But I often secretly feared that I wasn’t really getting anywhere. I don’t feel that way as of late. I feel as if I’ve taken steps to please myself and give myself all the things I’ve ever even thought I wanted. And now that certain parts of me have been satisfied, I’m giving myself what I need. No matter how “boring” those things may feel.

Me and my kitten Zoe.

I’ve reached the post honeymoon phase with my life. If marrying myself was graduating college, my honeymoon was moving to Bahia and now I’m finally back in a home, “settling down” with myself. I even have a pet.

Settling down with myself has been a masterclass in Love and Loyalty.

Living alone in my hometown puts me face to face with all the things I thought I could avoid. People, places, memories. It’s all here. And the longer I’m here the less I fear all those alternate realities I’ve wasted too much time pondering in my past. Being here, gives me space to plan and manifest in a way that traveling non stop couldn’t. Some days I get full of wanderlust. But then I remember why I’m here in the first place. And how I have tasks to complete before I’m off on the next whimsical adventure. This Valentines Day I’m celebrating the less sexy parts of my journey. The uglier parts of myself that I tried to run away from. I’m celebrating how I pay my bills on time. How hard I work for myself and how tight my waist beads have gotten. It’s an honor to grow older and still be able to see myself as attractive and worthy of all my wildest dreams. And it’s something I’m determined to keep doing.

all photos are courtesy of ana paula teixeira

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